Tuesday, November 10, 2009

St. Louis Teabaggers Urge Supporters to Boycott Everything!

Bill Hennessy, Chief of Astroturfing for the St. Louis Tea Party, has put out a dramatic call for action based on his anger that the House of Representatives voted in favor of a bill that could help fix the health care system. He urged supporters to:

  • Make no purchases on November 27, Black Friday, except for basic necessities like food and gasoline
  • Commit to a single gift for members of immediate family only. For adult family members, consider making something of meaning
  • From now until the end of the year, focus on three things: God, Home, Family.
  • If you have vacation available, consider taking it before Christmas
  • Put off major purchases if at all possible. This includes cars, appliances, and the like. Instead, hire local, independent mechanic or handyman to bring the ailing items up to serviceability
  • Beginning making very large contributions to worthy opposition candidates, especially for the House of Representatives and U. S. Senate.
  • While many people are committed to specific charities, most charities will become arms of the government if this slide to the left continues. So consider giving less to charities and more political candidates, remembering the tax implication of that decision.

In other words, teabaggers are basically supposed to boycott everything and spend as little money as possible, as punishment for the evil American system that would allow such treachery as closer-but-not-quite-universal health care to occur. I have a few more suggestions that can make their protest even more effective:

  • Stop going to grocery stores. If you can't find enough food via hunting and gathering, only buy your food from teabagger approved merchants. If there aren't any in your area, you should order food to be delivered, but make sure you use FedEx so that the government run Post Office doesn't insert microchips into your food.
  • Stop driving cars. Funnel out all of the remaining gasoline from your cars and dump it on your lawn. What use is green grass in a world run by socialist pigs?
  • Sell all of your worldly possessions and then donate the money to good Christians like Roy Blunt, who only leave their wives for really good lobbyists.
  • While we're at it, we should boycott vision as well. Vision makes you see horrible things that can't possibly be true, like a TV screen that shows Doug Hoffman losing his congressional race to a Democrat who supports the public option.
  • In fact, don't move at all. Just sit and wait for that exciting day where God starts chucking lightning bolts at Evil Sinner Communists.
If the teabaggers do this, they will be assured of victory. Because if there's anything the Hoffman race showed, it's that boycotting reality allows you to declare victory even after the most embarrassing results.


  1. This guy is a complete moron ~ I'm sure his family is so very proud, but just think ~ they'll have the opportunity to share this pride day in and day out over the holidays. They won't be working, they won't be shopping, they won't have to spend any useless time opening gifts, etc. They can apply all of their available time sitting around the hearth, licking the envelopes as they offer-up their money to fellow nut-jobs running for office. Ah, the spirit of the holidays...

    Out of which orifice does he pull these strategies? Adherents to this strategy should hereafter be known as "Bildos" with the chief-in-charge being known as "Bildo." I really, really hope that this strategy gets all the public media attention that it deserves. Unbelievable.

  2. Love the last point..I laughed out loud!

  3. I thought for sure it had to be satirical. But alas, it is true. Complete ridiculousness. If you read through the comments, even some of the teabaggers themselves think it's a terribly stupid idea.